Life Is A Dumpster Fire

Part of trying to have a healthy relationship is identifying why past relationships haven’t worked- what is the general theme? For me, it has been various reasons; however, the underlying issue is that they are emotionally unavailable or have difficulty forming emotional bonds. In addition, this behavior has manifested in them not treating me well. Sometimes it was subtle, like not making any effort or time for me. Other times it was so much bigger, like cheating (for years).

With self-reflection, I realized that the key denominator has always been me. I am the one that guided my choices in the past and will in the future. Often when getting to know someone, they may disclose previous relationship patterns. When a potential mate says things like “I am tired of dating crazy girls” or “I am tired of dating girls full of drama.” These are statements that cue me to delve into the why. For example, is there some need for them to have the excitement of drama or crazy in their life? Maybe, it is their love language. Are they the kind of person that will create drama or push buttons until they bring out the crazy? This is not someone that would not fit with me because I try to live a life that is neither filled with drama nor crazy. I once read a profile stating, “I am looking for a girl that won’t steal my shit.” I cannot imagine what could have caused this to be a criterion for going on a date.

These are also words of wisdom for yourself. If you keep asking why you end up with the same type of person, again, you are the common denominator. Now I am not blaming you for other people’s destructive behaviors. Those people should jump out of the dating pool or drown; I’m not picky. Just recognize that you are making the same mistakes. All jokes aside, I recommend therapy. If this is something other than what you’re interested in, there are many books that may be helpful. One that I recommend in particular is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller, and Robert Petoff.

The key is to identify why we are making relationship decisions and stop ourselves before we do it.