Life Is A Dumpster Fire

Five months ago, I decided to reconnect with a past relationship. This is someone who has a lot of history with me and would occasionally message me, either through DMs or emails.

To give some context, depending on who I’m with, I can either have an anxious or avoidant attachment style. With this particular person, I was avoidant of any kind of commitment even though I had strong feelings for him. We would try to work on it for a short while, but it would always end up falling apart.

However, I’ve been working hard on myself for the past year and a half. My new philosophy has been to “become the person you want to have a relationship with.” When he emailed me in September to check in, I kept the lines of communication open, which eventually led to us going on a date for my birthday.

From the very beginning, I made it clear that I was ready to commit and invested in making it work. I opened up and allowed myself to trust and be vulnerable. I wanted to ensure that if we were going to do this, he was equally invested in the relationship. 

Fast forward to month 5……. 

I went back to my birthplace to visit with my sister. Since we had started dating again, I had been on a few trips. Generally, we didn’t communicate as much, usually just the occasional text or a short conversation. It was an exceptionally emotionally draining visit because I was dealing with family issues. Honestly, at this point in our relationship, he should be my rock, my go-to. After a particularly hard visit with my mom, I talked to him. Later, I texted him to thank him for making me feel better and how being there for and for being there for me really helped me mentally. After this, there were a couple texts and then nothing. He never texted to check on how I was feeling. I back-slide a little bit into my reactive behaviors, but then days turned into a week, and then two weeks. I called and texted, but nothing. I was in a work cycle and couldn’t make the 40-minute drive to his house. Finally, at the end of the second week, after calling and leaving multiple voicemails, he texted me to say he had emailed me two days ago. I asked him to resend it because I had never received it. This is what it said:

I can’t apologize enough for my behavior these past few weeks. I can only say I’ve been going through one of the toughest phases of depression i’ve had in 20 years. 

 The last time this happened, I missed a friend’s wedding and didn’t leave the house or talk to anyone for weeks. 

 I heard your voicemails today. I’m so sorry for the pain anguish and confusion i know i have caused you.  

 I’m not asking for your forgiveness. Or for you to deal with this kind of behavior from me. 

 I’m interviewing therapists and trying to get back onto an even keel. 

 i’ve overeaten and gained back 10lbs, dishes aren’t done in weeks, work is suffering and i’ve caused you the deepest pain and heartache. 

 I can’t continue this relationship. I’m not healthy. happy nor stable. But I’m looking for help. 

 This is nothing you have to deal with. it’s just been a terrible cycle of shame, sadness and deep unhappiness for months. and it builds out of my control. 

 I am deeply embarrassed and have only now, today been able to get the mental strength to response or being to put to words what’s been going on. 

 I’m am sorry. You’ve every right to be mad and angry. I get that. 

 I can get you your suitcase and your key to you. 

 I’m terribly sorry to have dragged you through this with me. 

All this happened on a Sunday night around 9:00 PM. After reading the email, I felt like the worst girlfriend in the world. He had been struggling, and I had only been thinking about myself. I realized that I should have been more supportive and communicated better with him. 

With that realization, I got into my car and drove the 40 minutes to his house. I felt the need to be there for him, even if we were no longer together. I loved him and wanted to be his friend. I felt nervous and worried as I approached his house, but I was leaving when he answered the door. 

When he answered the door, it was clear I had woke him up from sleep. I went inside, and from what I could see, everything looked spotless. This was in contrast to what he had said in the email. I tried to hug him, but he didn’t hug me back. I wanted to talk and understand what was going on, but he told me that he didn’t want to. I pushed the subject and wasn’t leaving until we spoke. 

This is when he broke my heart. He said he had not been happy in the relationship. He said that it caused him anxiety and stress and that he didn’t know how to communicate that to me. 

From this point on, I think I blacked out a little bit and essentially started to communicate so loudly the neighbors came out of their houses to see what was going on. This was unusual for me because I’m generally pretty even-tempered; however, I lost my voice a little while telling him how he had hurt me. In so many ways, it was a catharsis. Though I am confident, I will never hear from him again. 

I am still processing everything that happened. I oscillate between anger and hurt. There were some important takeaways:

People can’t give you closure. You have to find it within yourself. The other person will never give you the necessary answers to understand why they would hurt you.  

Make sure that the person you chose to be with has also done the work to make themselves a healed person. Healing is an active process that requires more than just words.